Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
